I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
