Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
