It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Randomize
