Cold hands, warm shart.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
