I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
be right there i have to get my cape
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
