If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
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