theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I understand Curling. That high.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
