I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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