I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I could fuck to npr.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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