Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
