I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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