fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I touched a dick in church today
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
