Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
