Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
