everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Randomize
