my phone needs a breathalizer
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Randomize
