my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
