My cat gives me a boner
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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