the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
