That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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