Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
