Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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