M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
