Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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