I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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