at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Randomize
