dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
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