6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I want to have your abortion
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
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