I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
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