can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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