see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
