I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
