At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Randomize
