i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
