Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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