Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
