My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
