I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
