i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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