i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Randomize
