woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
