mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
