I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
