what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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