Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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