my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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