Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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