hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
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