he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize