I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Your penis caused this!
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