I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
