im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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