dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
