yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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