I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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