Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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