on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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