you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
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we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
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I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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