i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
